Following the Savior in Motherhood

Lorraine was generous enough to send me her notes. THANK YOU! I took the liberty interjecting my thoughts. They're in purple. 
xoxox,
Carrie

Begin Email:
Carrie,

Here are the notes I took. Feel free to post whatever you want from them. I added some links to the talks and songs referenced, so it's a little long. Anything in brackets is what I wrote down during the meeting, but didn't say.
Lorraine

Giving children more opportunities to make decisions and use agency is Christlike. Other attributes mothers need are patience, kindness, healing, feeding. "Maybe I should write down what my children need." The Savior ministers to each of us individually, and our needs are his priority. We can separate our children's wants from needs. Sometimes we get what we want and sometimes we don't, but the Savior still gives us what we need.

[This reminded me of a song by Michael McLean: "All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of, everything I've hoped and all the things I've prayed for couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given. I've been given what I need."]

"Isn't it great that we have everything we need to be mothers, and that we are entitled to the Savior's help in our role."

"I'm thinking about what I used to do before kids as "my work." I need to change my point of view. God doesn't just respond when we cry out. He is aware of us and we are his work. I want to shift my paradigm of thinking. My children are my work."

[This reminded me of the time I heard a husband speak about the important work his wife does..."When I come home from work, it's more important to me that my children have been picked up than that the house is picked up."]

"With a list, I'm more productive, maybe because my head's in the right place. We need a place to be that makes us feel good."

Carrie interjects: I'm the one who said this. But, I meant, "with a list identifying my children's needs for the day (for example: Luke needs: attention, outside time, a responsibility. Pete's needs: a happy environment, attention.) But, making lists is good too. (Since I was about 11, I've made copious lists...and usually never looked at them again.)

"And leaving the cleaning to comfort a child is part of making our home a nice place to be."

"That's why I am home with my kids. I couldn't pass this off to someone else. Would I want someone less educated or less qualified to be taking care of them? No."

"The mother is the child's home."

Carrie interjects, again: Regardless of the quality or quantity of your mothering, that is the burden/privilege you bear.

"There's a reason we have children in our homes. It's not just an accident. I'm their mom. We get help in the area we need."

"I can picture Heavenly Father talking about sending his children to earth and asking, 'How can we get parents to love their children as much as we love them?' I imagine the answer being because our children are a part of us. They share our blood."

Carrie interjects: It was also mentioned the spiritual gifts attending adoptive parents.

"You can't get the minutes back that you push your kids away to 'get things done.' If you partner with your spouse, he can help with the chores that have to be done."

"You are giving yourself to your kids and they know that. It makes a difference."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A12v0NRwMhI
Micheal McLean, Which Part is Mine
Lorraine included the lyrics to the song in her email to me. I thought they were too long to include here, but if you want them, I can email them to you.

Elder Bednar's talk:
http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-15,00.html

"Elder Bednar's talk in conference surprised me because he told us how we can receive revelation, and that's by doing specific things with our children."


http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-7,00.html


"Elder Eyring spoke about raising our children to be able to avoid disaster and take the role of rescuers instead of needing to be rescued later. We are our children's rescuers."



"Children are children. My daughter is six. That's why she acts that way. Heavenly Father doesn't expect things of us that are unreasonable. We shouldn't expect it of our kids."

[This reminded me of a teacher in college who told me that for the most part, people in our care or charge want to please us and do what we want. If they don't, it's because they don't know how, or they're not physically/emotionally/mentally capable. So don't be too upset or disappointed. You may be expecting too much.]

"Anything that annoys you about your child is something that you've trained them to do."

"The Lord capitalizes on our goodness, brings out our goodness, magnifies our goodness. I should try to see the good in my children. The Lord doesn't punish me every time I mess up. It shouldn't be so for our children, either."

A specific idea given: Each child gets a magnet board with six magnets, each representing 15 minutes. When they do something that requires a consequence, tell the child to "go take some time off." At the end of the day, each child counts how many magnets/minutes he or she has left, and that's how much later they get to stay up after bedtime.

Carrie interjects one last time: You may interject in the comments! :)

Other Helpful Ideas from Our January Meeting

Surviving Sacrament Meeting/Mass:
Bring a book of photos of extended family for children to look through.
Turn 5x7 Gospel Art Pictures or other pictures of the Savior or scripture stories/characters into lacing cards.
Print off coloring pages from The Friend magazine
Make a gospel-oriented BINGO-like game with felt and velcro. (Chelsea Whitby for details.)
Draw stick figures and have your kids design their clothes.
Learn hymns as a family.
Speak the words in your child's ear while they sing with the congregation.

Family Prayer & Scripture Study:
Listen for a word or phrase, and at the end, tell me if I said it. (I tried this, Lindsey. Thank you!)
Let kids follow along with/look at the illustrated Book of Mormon (or other) Stories while you read from the actual book of scripture.

Book Recommendations:
Raising Your Spirited Child (author?)
The Happiest Toddler on the Block (author?)

Other:
Kaylyn asked, "When do you say your morning prayers?" I'm not sure if she got any practical suggestions (certainly not from me!), but it made me write down: Say morning personal prayers.

Both Lindsey and Tricia do a variation on the following:
At dinnertime, they take turns sharing events of the day and how they felt. Lindsey gives her kids emotions (Tell me a time you felt nervous/happy. Tell me a time you felt frustrated/grateful.) Tricia's family shares their High/Low moments.

High Fives

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all of you for contributing to the conversation on how much our children need physical touch on a regular basis. I don't consider myself a super touchy-feely person, but I notice a difference myself when I am the recipient of hugs, kisses, high fives, holding hands, pats on the back, and even the occasional surprise attack and being wrestled to the ground by my kids. So I've been more conscious in my efforts to provide them with physical reassurances of my love.

Some of you know that for quite a while now the focus of my personal scripture study has been reading the Book of Mormon as a parenting guide. This has been a very eye-opening experience for me. Just yesterday I was reading 3 Nephi 11, and because of our recent mothering discussion, these words reached me in a completely different way. The Savior invites the people to come and feel the nail prints for themselves, the evidence of his love for us. He recognizes the importance of physical touch and invites it.

I know this is second nature for some of you, and I want to thank you for your examples to me. You are helping me to learn what it means to be more like Jesus, to trust his words, his ways, and to ultimately help my children want to know and be like him. Motherhood matters.

Nurturing Peace

This meeting was completely wonderful. I really felt inspired and ready to go home and make a difference. For all of those unable to go, here are some of the things that were mentioned. My notes are by no means comprehensive, so everyone who was there, please fill in the gaps!

We started out with an awesome analogy comparing practicing yoga, to life. Carrie led us through some relaxing yoga moves, then explained three yoga guidelines that really set the tone for the rest of the meeting: (Carrie, please feel free to change these according to what they actually say in the book)

Comparing Yoga to Life:
1. Know and respect your limitations. Don't push yourself beyond what you can possibly do - be gentle with yourself and your limitations, as well as with others' limitations.

2. Be honest with yourself. You know how much you can do. Make sure you do it.

3. Practice the exercises (or in our case, whatever task may be), without resentment. Do it willingly, happily, and because you want to.

Here are some of the other precious treasures of wisdom that were shared. (again, this is according to my notes, so please anyone, feel free to change according to what was actually said!)

Nurturing Peace in Your Home:
*The cost of the conflict is not worth the cost of the relationship

*Turn little arguments around - COMMUNICATE how you feel.
-Step back from the situation and move it to "I". Be able to recognize and say, "What you said/did/etc. makes me feel......"

*In an disagreement, be willing to back down because the other persons' feelings are sincerely more important than the issue at hand. (And it doesn't work if the "I'm being the bigger person by giving in", or "martyr attitude", is the motive.)

*Communicate - don't wait for things to escalate

*Sometimes kids act out to try to satisfy or fulfill an unmet need they have - example: fighting with a sibling because they need mom to pay more attention to them. Try to fill the need, of course, beforehand is ideal...but realistically...a lot of times it goes unnoticed until after the incident!).

*Idea for helping keep older children on 'your team': "Today I really need your help teaching (insert name of other, probably younger, child) how to be quite during church, or pick up their toys, or whatever it might be".

*Kids can do and help with lots of things - we maybe just need to change our expectations on how the job will turn out. (Example: they can help put away the laundry...but it might not be put away perfectly folded and in the right spot.)

*When you are at the end of your rope, here are a few suggestions to try:

1. "Would you like (insert whatever appropriate punishment), or would you like a hug?"

2. Even better, mommy says, "I need a hug". This works great also to prevent reaching the end of the rope. (Fulfills the need to feel loved....except this time, for the mom!)

3. "Please kneel down with me, we need to say a prayer."

*We aren't perfect at everything about being a mom, but we CAN be 100% perfect in letting our kids know we love them.

*And here is the quote on Charity that I completely slaughtered, so I wanted to put it up here so you would know what it actually says: =)

"Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again. It makes the thought of being a basher [speaking ill of someone] repulsive. Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is expecting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other."
-Elder Marvin J. Ashton

Christmas Ideas:

* Have a Thankful Box: write things you are thankful for and put them in a special box under the tree. Open the box and read everything before you open presents on Christmas morning.

* Have everyone write nice letters to express their love to everyone else in the family.

Daddy Dollars

Here's the website where I printed off the Daddy Dollars:

http://www.festisite.com/money/

It's super easy and pretty fun. When Justin first saw me doing it, he looked pretty concerned. I asked him what was the matter and he very coyly (is that word?) said, "Mom, I don't think the stores are going to like it if you try to buy things with those." Maybe he has a bright future in the Treasury Department. :-)

Happy Monday!

Nurturing Gratitude

Here's a list of what I remember from our discussion.

Thankful Tree-each night leading up to Thanksgiving, write things you're thankful for on leaves and attach to tree.
Gratitude garland-for Thanksgiving Day. Have guests write things they're thankful for on leaves and attach to garland.
Thanksgiving Extravaganza-grab a small handful of corn kernels, throw each kernel into a body of water while saying/yelling out what you're thankful for.
Service.
Model gratitude. Express gratitude. Thank your children and talk about them in positive ways.
Try to see the best side of things & people. Nitpicking DOES NOT show gratitude for spouse.

Feel free to add or expound. Also, about service: in the comments, please write ideas for service.

Thank you for labeling your posts!

It makes it so easy to find posts in the archives. At least include your name. Thanks!